Students of LMU, we are under attack. The attacker? Unnecessarily steep speed bumps.

Students of LMU, we are under attack. The attacker? Unnecessarily steep speed bumps.

Students of Loyola Marymount University, we are under attack. Day after day, we are bombarded by a direct, deliberate assault on our individual well-beings.

The attacker? Unnecessarily steep speed bumps.

It’s not necessarily a hot take that the speed bumps on campus are a little too steep. If anything, it’s probably as cold a take as “the Lair isn’t that good” or “there are definitely skeletons in that basement under Xavier Hall.”

Now, there’s not much that I, a film major with no knowledge about the development of speed bumps, can do. The most I could do as a film major is make a half-decent video essay about it and force my friends and family to validate my existence by hyping me up and pushing down the many insecurities I have as a filmmaker and human being. Instead, I thought it would be best to point out the bumpiest bumps on campus so that you, a student driving on campus, don’t have your day hindered by the fear that the shock absorbers on your car got completely demolished.

5. The speed bump by the Palm Walk crosswalk

Although this one isn’t as structurally bad, there is a social component that adds to the severity of this speed bump. Say you drive into the speed bump a little too fast, that’s not too bad. Maybe a little bumpy, maybe a little jarring, but the worst is over… right? Wrong!

Now you have to face the students, some of whom you may know, as they watch you and your car bump around. To add insult to injury, it’s probably a good guess that you had a look of surprise when your car jolted around like that. That’s the killshot. Your social standing is gone. All because you made a face when you went over a steep bump.

4. The speed bump between University Pool and Pereira Hall

This is a heavy hitter. You’re coming in from a turn and… BAM! A speed bump. It’s like that teacher that puts a midterm assignment on Brightspace a week into the semester. I know that it’s coming, but it could be a little later than planned, ya know?

Sometimes, it’s not about the bump itself but the placement of the bump. This is brutal placement. I want to know who decided that bump should go there so I can avoid them for the rest of my life. True psychopath behavior.

3. The OTHER speed bump between University Pool and Pereira Hall

The worst part about that little street is that it’s a twin act. A double feature. A heavy hitter, times two.

Not only do you start with the previously mentioned bump, you end up with another one just as steep a couple cars’ distance away. Every time, I’m thrown off by the first bump just to be bombarded a second time. Not only does my disappointment and anger grow twice as big, I’m doubly devastated when there’s no parking in East Quad because a bunch of students parked their unnecessarily large cars in the compact spots, bleeding into the other spots and making them unusable. An all-around terrible experience I blame on the speed bumps.

2. The new speed bump outside the Burns Recreation Center construction

Students of LMU, we are under attack. The attacker? Unnecessarily steep speed bumps.

Rarely is there a speed bump steep and annoying enough to challenge our No. 1 spot —we’ll get there soon, I promise —but this rookie speed bump has been putting up quite the numbers.

In its short time on campus, the speed bump in front of the Burns Rec Center construction has had a truly incredible impact. Never before have I seen so many cars swerve into the other lane so as to not go over the bump and devastate their tire pressure. It’s insane. People would rather drive on the wrong side of the road and potentially cause a fatal car crash than go over a speed bump.

The Bluff has its eyes on this up-and-comer. It’s definitely a contender for the No. 1 spot with a little more experience under its belt. Sorry, under its bump.

1. The speed bump outside of University Hall

The king of the hill. The reigning champion. The gold standard in devastating speed bumps. The speed bump outside of U-Hall.

What other bump would it be? It’s no contest. Every time I’ve gone over this speed bump, the life expectancy of the shock absorbers in my car diminishes by an entire year. If you and your car roll into that speed bump a little too fast, just even one mile above two miles per hours, it’s over. You and your vehicle are getting a good second or two of air time.

I will say, I do think that the bump outside of U-Hall is a good representation of the LMU experience. You arrive on campus and get to see the beautiful buildings and amazing campus life we have to offer. Then… BAM! Student loans.

The Bluff will continue to report on the speed bumps around campus. Stay safe, Lions.

Connor Rose ('23) is a screenwriting major from Mission Viejo, Calif. He's a normal human being who enjoys doing normal human being things such as blinking and drinking water.

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